Fear.

I just realized that I am scared. There is so much change in my nearest future, so many decisions, so many things that can go wrong... and I am afraid now. All the best friends I have ever had in my life are people that I have met down here in Mexico, and my best friend - who is like my brother, is here too. I had hoped that we would be leaving together and that we would go off on adventures together, but due to some circumstances he will need to post-pone his trip. Sure, he can catch up later or I can go back, but it scares me to think that I will have to depart all by myself, and leave everything that I have here. Another thing that scares me is the idea of my plans to bring my dog falling through. If I have to leave everything I have here - she will be all I have, and I need her. My dog cannot replace my friends in any way, but I need her with me as a reminder of everything I have down here. I can't put a leash on my friends and make them come with me, but I can put a leash on my dog.

My planned departure for the US is only 2 months away, and perhaps it is that realization that is freaking me out now. I wish there was a way to magically transport myself and my belongings to wherever I plan to go (D.C in this case), so that I wouldn't have to worry about something going wrong. I'm not sure yet where I will get the strength to leave from, it will be so hard, but I know I have to. There are still so many things I want to do and see before I settle down somewhere. The hardest thing is that I feel I will be letting people down if I leave Mexico, and in the same time I feel I will be letting my family down if I don't visit them. How do you please everyone? How do you deal with having people you love scattered all over the planet? Yes, I am having a bit of travel hysteria (and a headache).

This morning I took a walk with Beily, and she threw up on the sidewalk. When we got home she threw up a couple of times more, but besides that she seemed pretty calm, which is why I decided to wait rather than to rush her to the vet. I figured she must have eaten something unsuitable during her run-arount at the park. I hate it when my dog is sick or feeling bad - it just makes me wish I could help her somehow. She seems a lot better now though and she finally ate her breakfast, but still. Overall I am feeling strangely sad today... without really knowing why. I guess I am just feeling a little bit overwhelmed by all this... and also it is starting to get so much more real than it was before. I just want everything to work smoothly... hopefully I'll feel happier and more relaxed about it tomorrow. I think it's getting to me, the stress, but in the same time I know what I want and what I need to do.